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i'm in a slight stupor..

so much needs doing, but i'm tired :P

chores will be there later



i'm watching Flare (my favorite male rat) organize his living space... i found out the newspaper here uses non toxic ink so it's okay for them to have..

Flare is currently pushing and pulling things about, dragging strips of newspaper and other bedding fluff into the empty coke box he shares with the other two.

the house keeping is what made me choose him in the first place... he has obsessive compulsive disorder...

i love putting things randomly about his home and watching him put them where they are SUPPOSED to be

it's a game for us

everything has to be just so



i've had a few other rats like that, but he's the funniest.. he knows his name and always peeks in my direction when i call



he's done now, i guess i'll go do some laundry

i feel the need to write tonight, although i have nothing to say..

i'm feeling pretty good... although i need to exercise.. maybe tomorrow..

heh

once i get out of the routine i find it ... difficult... to start again

i've been talking to MoreThanExisting about photography things... i find it refreshing to talk to someone who is humble about their art... and it IS art.. sometimes i feel like some people who have talent in some things are so smug about it...

hell it's probably the same with me, although i still think something is just using my eyes for their own purpose

anyway,

MoreThanExisting may be young but he seems to have such an old soul and a natural talent for posing portraits that i am SO jealous of.. he just does his 'thing'

i've never been comfortable enough with people to make them pose... ugh when i think about some of the crap i went through for work photos... thankfully i now have a partner who is superb with people ;] gets me totally off the hook... sweet...

i wish i had pursued my photography more seriously when i was younger... i mean on the work side of it... i wasn't so bad with people when i was younger... if i had done more then i probably would be much better with my technique now.

photography has always been there.. revolving around my life as a hobby... i've ALWAYS had a camera and always USED it... but it wasn't until i met a young man (much like MoreThanExisting) that my desire for it came more into focus

i realized what i was missing and now it is my life.. not the work i get paid for, but those images that are a part of me.. my art..

a member here once told me i needed to sell myself in the art community.. or more realistically for me hire someone to sell me

but i'm still not quite sure if my art is good enough...

regardless of the compliments i get.



i'm way too down on myself in so many areas, but my photography not as much as other areas..

i get so much SATISFACTION from my vision.. i am honored when others appreciate it for sure... but i don't know if people would buy my art... hehe other than my mother ;]



i'm thinking of offering art images to my work website just to see what happens... that couldn't hurt at all



i wonder where Rep is today... if he's off at college becoming a doctor, if he's still got that camera and if he uses it at all... he had talent too that guy! i'm sure he'd be smug if he realized he inspired me to expand my photography... hell he probably DOES know it and IS smug about it. damn him and his insight.

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MoreThanExisting
21:34 Apr 30 2009

Aww, you're amazing lol.

Kind of like you, photography has always been my hobby, and I've wanted to make a career out of it, but until I spoke with you I didn't really know where to start. Now I think I have a pretty good idea...

And the self doubt thing, I think I have more of it than anyone else lol.

Sometimes what other people consider art [talking about my photos ofcourse] I simply see it as clicking a button...and nothing more.

I think that what I do, anyone can do...

But so many people compliment my pictures. I don't know, maybe it's something that I can get over...and maybe you will too lol. I think everyone has just a tiny bit of self doubt in whatever it is they do. It might just be...I don't know, natural. lol.

Oh, and supernatural comes on tonight! I'm so excited lol. You should watch it, if you're not busy.

Oh, and I have to wait until this weekend to print my pictures because I recently just discovered that I'm positively broke lol.

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MysticalChild
22:10 Apr 30 2009

hahaha you sound exactly like me

i wish i had someone tell me what i did WAS different earlier than they did... or that i LISTENED earlier than i did

it took me forever to listen to what everyone was saying around me... i remember my boss said (about a grasshopper image i took) that if HE had taken it it's just be a bug sitting there... but that i did something totally different with it

i finally started thinking maybe the way i pushed a button was different..

i get told that i see things differently and when i take the photos the image reflects what i see.

i still say i only push a button too... but apparently other people think it's fabulous



you HAVE to do something with it... i wish i had started doing it more than a hobby much earlier than i did ;]

go for it ;]

i want to see great things!

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POST COMMENT

i feel good today, better than i've felt in a few days..

and MUCH better than my meltdown on Friday

(thanks again for the kind thoughts)

i didn't sleep much last night, but i slept a lot on Sunday ;]



i'm trying out Melatonin, like LadySnowStrixx recommended, but i think it will be a bit until i know exactly what it's doing to me ;]

the last few nights i've been falling asleep well enough, but waking up after about 20 minutes or so and staying awake

i think for now i'll try not to be so frustrated and sleep when i am tired instead of trying to force myself into a pattern...

i say that now but things may change because i have an appointment for Wednesday and probably a day with my favorite boys in the whole world on Saturday..

my creative juices, that have had a lack of subjects, have found an interesting idea and i think that will help stop some of the restless mind wanderings for a while



i also have a bunch of "work photography" this week, house cleaning to catch up on and i need to get back on the exercise wagon as it at least makes me feel good, regardless that my blood sugar isn't getting any better... but i'm not stressing over any of them



speaking of my blood sugar, i had to cancel my three month doctor's appointment due to circumstances within and beyond my control so it will be another few weeks until i can adjust my 'synthetic Gila Monster saliva protein'

but i'm steadily taking it so at least i'm being good



i'm pretty optimistic today, so nothing seems to be out of reach...

that is a nice change over the dark brooding my disease has been blanketing my thoughts with

i'm having a bad day

nothing has happened

i'm just not right

i'm paranoid... there are people all over the neighborhood

sure, it's because my neighbors are having a yard sale, but does that do anything to put my mind at ease?

no

i know WHY they are there, it's their being there that makes me nervous.

someone knocked on my door at least once today, but i stayed hidden. it was probably just the neighbor who's having the garage sale and i'll feel horrible when she tells me it was her



my equilibrium is off and i'm confusing what i read and what i see

i can't think straight and even getting a glass of water is more complicated than it should be



i have photos i need to get done and delivered sometime today and i'm not sure how i'll be able to handle it.. maybe when the man gets home things will be easier.

COMMENTS

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ladySnowStrixx
21:01 Apr 24 2009

ghee, sweetie I hope you ,ll feel better soon,

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MysticalChild
21:11 Apr 24 2009

you are one of the kindest and sweetest people i have ever met

your comments always mean a lot to me and this one brings me some peace of mind :)

*hugs*

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chrysanthemia
23:32 Apr 24 2009

Oh sweetheart. Hugs. Feel better okay?



i know how the equilibrium/dizziness thing feels. It's such a bloody hinderance, and you can't do anything at all to fix it.

Just relax and work at feeling better. Sleep, and such. smiles.

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Shocker124
17:47 Apr 25 2009

hope this finds you feeling better baby girrr.

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MysticalChild
20:24 Apr 27 2009

you guys are so sweet ;]

i'm much better now

thank you so much for your well wishing!

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POST COMMENT

i'm going to be watching twilight

yep that's right

i'm going to watch what i said i never would

i can't pass this up:

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saphireblood
21:29 Apr 22 2009

nice lol

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MysticalChild
21:45 Apr 22 2009

:D

i can't wait

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ladySnowStrixx
00:03 Apr 23 2009

OH NO!............she,s gone where no adult should ever go , she may never be right again.

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madamefate
23:40 Apr 23 2009

ROTLMAO!

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MysticalChild
20:38 Apr 24 2009

hahaha!

watch out, i come out of this whole experience reverted into an obsessed teenage girl...

but my sense of humor should save me right?

i'm a-scared ;]

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i'm a zombie

exhaustion has lapsed into complete methodical thoughts and movements

slack jawed and drooling i stare, not comprehending, not sensing anything around me

i shuffle from here to there and back again

parts of me grow numb and seemingly separate themselves from the rest of my body

i hunger, but everything seems ashy and sits like a rock on the festering organ that used to be my stomach



maybe i could digest brain matter.



my moaning words are garbled and all i think is:

sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep.



(i am sorry madamefate, i had to fix (some of) my sleep deprived grammatical errors and it deleted your comment, but yes... running would be a good idea)

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madamefate
21:59 Apr 21 2009

ZZZZZOOOOOMMMMMBBBBBIIIIIEEEEE!!!! RUUUUUUN!

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ladySnowStrixx
22:59 Apr 21 2009

Hon, did you try the meliton? Get some sleep .

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MysticalChild
21:13 Apr 22 2009

i haven't had a chance to get it yet!

today thought i certainly will ;]

thank you :D

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madamefate
23:41 Apr 23 2009

*peeks in*

Is the zombie gone?

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MysticalChild
20:39 Apr 24 2009

BRRRRRAIIIIIIIINNNNNNS!!!!!

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i don't see autumn

i miss out on spring

winter only lasts a month

summer is taking over



i like the south, but hate it's weather

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birra
20:10 Apr 20 2009

You can always come to New York... it's possible to have all four seasons... in a day here!

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MysticalChild
21:24 Apr 20 2009

now THAT would be an experience!

i have fond memories of upstate New York :)

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i sat with the deceased tonight

looking at photos from Kelsey's all too short life

states away her mother held a similar vigil

if a much more painful one

there were tears from feeling the loss

two years she's been gone

she rests under a mound of love

covered with little gifts both silly and special

flowers and plants decorate her bed



two years and still i learn things from a young woman i never met

two years... it seems like only yesterday i was hearing the news

the word "adoption" came up last night

and so i am seriously considering it, although still in the considering phase.

i had waking dreams about it in the wee hours of the morning as the sun was rising

WHAT!?

are they serious?

putting Gambit in X-Men Origins: Wolverine...

how cool and totally lame at the same time



they better do him justice, i've waiting long enough to see him...

bastards

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JackofSpades83
23:40 Apr 07 2009

Blah, I waited for him to be in the others. Then again... I disowned the series about a half hour into the 2nd one... just sayin.

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MysticalChild
01:22 Apr 08 2009

yeah i agree

i wasn't even considering seeing this origins thing until i saw he was in it... and even now i am not too sure...



probably just stuck him in there for the people like us who've waited for him to be in one



i think they made him too young too.



i'm disappointed and i haven't even seen it yet

i guess that should tell me something

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Fizbop
08:56 Apr 08 2009

I'm not a huge Gambit fan. I mean he throws electirc cards... I'm not inpressed with his muntant abilitys.



I do have complaints bout the counter of that and that's Morph who not only could morph into anyone but could also have thier powers (way too powerful) hince why i think they didn't put him in any of the movies.

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MysticalChild
04:02 Apr 09 2009

gambit's my hero

i collected his comics and cards and i even drew him for art class in high school



and they're gonna make him suck

i just know it!

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JackofSpades83
04:26 Apr 09 2009

Gambits abilities are far great than just "electric cards" The kinetic cards are just his trademark and what he is best known for.



He actually taps into Kinetic energy and can charge any non living object. If memory serves right, the bigger the object the bigger the boom.



At one point he was able to charge objects just by looking at them and it could be ANY object. He could also manipulate time to a certain degree.



Gambit able has super human dexterity and agility. Not to mention his excessive charm and power of persuasion, which complemented his abilities as a master thief greatly.



As far as Morph goes. I know that he could resemble anyone he wished but I do NOT remember him having their abilities. His molecules are unstable and this makes him very resilient to physical damage. However, he is very susceptible to Energy based attacks.



Bask in my nerdy goodness.



That is all haha.

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MysticalChild
05:23 Apr 09 2009

it truly is an awesome thing, your nerdiness



i must admit i don't know anything about Morph



Gambit though... never has any staff wielding, kick boxing, card throwing cajun floated my boat so expertly

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Fizbop
07:19 Apr 09 2009

Classic commics go look for them if you can find them... Trust me it's in there.



well he used cards in the cartoons nothing else so i thought it was lame.

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JackofSpades83
20:27 Apr 09 2009

I just read all three bios of Morph on the offical Marvel site and saw no mention of him gaining abilities via shapeshifting.



As far as gambit in the cartoons. He also used his staff and powers of persuasion frequenty. Maybe we watched a different show.

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MysticalChild
20:42 Apr 09 2009

i didn't find anything on Morph that said he had any powers other than "altering his physical appearance" and limited telepathic and telekinetic powers

and that he was super best friends with Wolverine

which i certainly didn't know



in the cartoon i used to watch i can remember of one instance where Rogue blew up larger items after sucking the powers out of Gambit, which at least showed he was capable eve if he usually used his trademark playing cards

hehehe that makes me laugh

i loved that cartoon

i wonder if i can find it anywhere

i wants it

i loves Gambit :D

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Shocker124
20:05 Apr 23 2009

i just hope it is better than thethird movie. i almost shattered the dvd copy i was watching. killing of scott pissed me off

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MysticalChild
20:41 Apr 24 2009

shit, everything about that last movie pissed me right the fuck off

i think i'd almost rather they not TOUCH Gambit than do something stupid to him

*shakes a fist*

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Shocker124
17:53 Apr 25 2009

in regards to previous comments there was a char. named...... Mimic i think (been awhile) who could copy mutant powers that were within a certain radius of him. they killed him off in the comic though.



morph was just a shifter though.



i hope your not right though myst, i would hate for them to ruin gambits image. they butchered Logan in the first movie (made him to soft in my opinion.)

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MysticalChild
20:26 Apr 27 2009

i second that ;]

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ALPHAWOLF, i hope you see this...

you blocked me instead of adding me to your friends list ;]

hope you have a great day and that the party goes well tomorrow if i don't see you before then!

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Oceanne
17:15 Apr 04 2009

Hah! Dont you just hate that when that happens? I have hit that block button by accident a few times myself..

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MysticalChild
23:25 Apr 04 2009

hehehe i have too

and felt so lame when i did ;]

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ladySnowStrixx
22:41 Apr 05 2009

hey sweetie, hope your Sunday is going good lots of love.

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simply wishing for something else doesn't make it happen and so i wonder what you are thinking about me, life, the universe, everything do you see through my eyes now and then can you understand what you see about me what i challenge in your life what i twist into my own beliefs and views silence deafens me and i strain to hear a whisper through the noise those two worlds that try so hard to fit into the space of one impossible tasks of counter weights swinging in nothingness you trip up stairs and across meadows but never seeing the things grasping about your ankles to be tied down by what you are and what we expect you to be silver-golden you shine honest to me as often as i can see though you hide the sparkle behind a facade the party clothes you wear to bed, an perception of what your dreams could be of what they should be and you dance about the rivers that i sail every time i close my eyes always smiling i watch the way you find the notes i could never sing though i tried with other voices fingers trace patterns in the sand twining circling over and under a tangled mess of paths trodden through deserts where the seas lap against the exposed bones of the earth as barren and exposed as my own flesh under the chaos heated sun forget that what we know is truth, lets search for the honest and untrue we'll astound the believers and find ourselves a place we'll call home in another place another time of our own creation

i tied myself up, spanked myself and forced me to promise i wouldn't submit anything else to any database until i caught up with the rating of the vampire database. mmmhmm.... yeah that is working out just wonderfully (and then my alarm clock rang and i woke up)... as my list of things i want to submit is getting longer.



i may have to go back on that promise and take whatever punishment, for yesterday i found some old science fiction books of mine and later (after i finally get some sleep) i will check to see if they are submitted already.

if they have not, i'll just have to submit them and deal with the consequences.

of course i'll need someone else to think up a suitable disciplinary action.



i do hope they are not submitted yet ;]



on a slightly related note to myself: do not have "relations" at three thirty a.m. when you know you cannot fall asleep soon afterwards... you moron.

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ladySnowStrixx
11:54 Apr 02 2009

LOL, ok well mmmm what can I say , ghee you should have called Obonewits and you both would have had more fun, as for tieing yourself up and all the other stuff i now know why it took so long for you to go to sleep .

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BLOODLIFE
11:56 Apr 02 2009

I need to check and see if my whips still 'crack'!!

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MysticalChild
22:10 Apr 03 2009

yes, it's hard to sleep when you are in knots ;]



get the whip ready, one was already in but the other wasn't!

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i was having a conversation with a couple of good married friends the other day who just recently had their first child.



we were discussing how another friend is actively trying to get pregnant and how she definitely feels she is getting too old to have children even though she's only in her early thirties



i said i could understand because now and then i'm going to be 32 this year and i feel my maternal clock ticking away and i want to have children and i feel sometimes that time is getting away from me (my medical conditions make it extremely difficult, and i have to get my blood glucose under control before i even attempt to address the other concerns.)



the new father said something that really made me think, he said that no way is being in your 30's too old to start a family (she's 29 and he is my age) he said 'we are in the best time of our lives so far, i feel so much better and together than i did in my 20's"



i stopped and thought about it and i have to agree... there is no way i would have been ready for a child say at 25

i see some of the people i know who had children younger and some of them were still in their selfish stage, and are now still grasping at a youth that they didn't have. not that every person who has children when they are younger are that way

it's just about how mentally and emotionally ready you are, and everyone is different.



i'm definitely not saying that i feel that everyone who has children in the early years of their adulthood is making the wrong choice, i'm saying that for me, in hindsight it was not the right time and i've noticed that it probably wasn't for some of my good friends.





i feel i've been able to do all the fun/crazy/stupid things i wanted to and i am satisfied with that

not that there aren't things i want to do still, but they are much more level headed and a family would not interfere with any plans i have as far as my photography, my wants, my desires and my dreams.

but if i had gotten pregnant in my 20's before i discovered so much about myself and what i want out of my life i wouldn't have been as comfortable with myself and my life as i have created it. i am glad i had that time to devote to me instead of having to make my child the priority, of course if i had had a child when i was younger, my life would be all about them and rightly so... but now i could make a child my whole world and not lose any part of my happiness with myself.



yes, i am ready now, where i wouldn't have been even a couple of years ago, and i am not getting too old too fast.

so maybe when i get health concerns under control, i'll pursue the subject further